From the Orifice of the Playpen

WOAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH,

We are sliding in here on the skin of our teeth tonight folks. It’s been a mental month and we just totally didn’t have time to get this done before. So for those of you that actually read this article, many apologies for it’s shortness, for those who don’t read this… your not gonna miss much this month.

Looking back over the month we found out that The Hold is going paper, way to go all you involved in getting this off the ground. Hopefully Linda and I will get something to you before the deadline. We both wish you the very best in this endeavour.

 

     We did France in day earlier this month. Leaving at 8am to make the three-hour journey to Dover on the south east coast of the country. 100-degree heat didn’t make that journey too much fun. One hour on the cross channel ferry, thoughts of Rod Stewart singing “…. We are Sailing.” filled my mind as I projected breakfast over the side of the boat. Once in France we did the customary spin around the town square gazing at the French Perv’s, the 40 year old men who think they are Joe Cool with they’re arm’s draped around 18 year old French beauties. Now I wouldn’t have minded this except this particular French Perv had his arm draped over the shoulder of one girl a Gauloise cigarette in maw and most incredibly his hand on her right tit, now I wasn’t sure whether I admired this perv or not.

     Anyway, after the person watching was over we went and did our shopping, our booze shopping that is. Stocked up on Beer, Wine, Jack and Bacardi all at greatly reduced prices and then got the hell out of France via a McDonalds. I didn’t eat the food, I am not that brave. Got back on the boat, thought about Rod The Bod singing some more and drove home getting back at about 3am Sunday morning. All good fun.

     Other than that little bit of excitement it’s all been work work work.

     That was until Linda, normally sane one of us twoflipped and decided she wanted to take over the world. She dyed the pussy white and now sits around stroking it all day. I don’t get much sense out of her when that pussy is around she is too busy cooing and moaning about the pussy being all wet, damn cat will walk in the puddles…. Please people keep your minds out of the gutter.

     Anyway whilst she was out today looking for suitable goons to help her take over the world I came across this document hidden on the hard drive. I honestly do think she has lost the plot. That or we are all in for a shed load of trouble. I paste the said document here….

     By the way the really odd thing about this is that she writes her plans in the third person…

Be afraid be very afraid.

Your objective is simple: Soul Accumulation
Your motive is a little bit more complex: Power

Stage One:

To begin your plan, you must first seduce a Town Mascot. This will cause the world to sit up and take notice, stunned by your arrival. Who is this Sadistic Fiend? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good as an Intelligence Transferred into a Computer?

Stage Two:

Next, you will seize control of that Opera House in Sydney. This will cause countless hordes of the Undead to flock to you, begging to do your every bidding. Your name will become synonymous with Fuzzy bunnies, as lesser men whisper your name in terror.

Stage Three:

Finally, you will activate your Opening of the Seven Seals, bringing about an End to Sanity. This will all be done from a Dark Side of the Moon, an excellent choice if we might say. These three deeds will herald the end, and the citizens of this planet will have no choice but to elect you their new god.

Trust us, it'll all come together in the end.

 

If anyone has a nice little holiday home on a remote Island, preferably shaped like a hollowed out Volcano Linda would like to know if she could borrow it for a week or two, she will be very careful with it… she will try not to blow it up or let any “Pesky Mr Bonds” spoil the décor.

Anywho folks as I said this is a short one this month.

Hope All is well in your own demented little worlds.

Keep your cuffs on the bedpost and your eye on the door

Linda and Paul.

I was born Linda Sue DeZarn to a couple with four other living children. Our family was poor as far as money went but we were rich because we had love and each other. I am now 47, mother of two daughter's and proud grandmother of six beautiful grandmonsters; the four oldest being boys and the babies are both girls (took long enuff for the girls to show their pretty faces).

I met Paul Hurwood (aka miskin) online in Excite's Virtual Places (where I also met Cait) in a chat room called Ninian's Poetry Cafe. Had it not been for some of the people in that room I would not be here today. I have led a long hard life most of which can be read in my writings.

 
Linda's Poetry Pages

• Dedicated to the man of my dreams

by Miskin for Linda
• Stronger Than Steel
• In Honour

Hi there folks. My name is Paul, and I have vital statistics that resemble the national debt of several third world countries combined. As you probably know Linda is my wife and you know the story so I won’t bore you all with it again.
In the words of Joshua one of the grand monsters “I AM A FREAK” and pretty much proud of it too.
I will try pretty much anything once and if I like it or it’s bad for me I will probably try it a couple more times just to make sure. I don’t like to take things to seriously, life is way too short.
Art wise I pretty much like anything that pushes the boundaries of either taste or experimental. My main passion is Old Time Radio, it helps to stimulate the brain and gets you thinking again.

I do occasionally write poetry but I am not a perfectionist. I write what comes into my mind and just see what happens. I think that this the honest way of writing. If it doesn’t make sense it's no biggie as far as I am concerned.
My influences come from all over the place… I get moods from Pink Floyd or whatever is playing on my cd player at the time and the Goons… a wonderfully anarchic mix of surrealism and comedy… if you get the chance try them out.

In closing I want to tell you my motto in life. It’s really simple and when things go wrong and you’re not sure what to do….

FUCK IT

The translation is down to you.

Keep your eyes on the door and the cuffs on the bedpost

Paul