Channeling Mary Wellstone
I do not know who the hell Mary Wellstone is…nor have I ever channeled her, well not any times that I know of. Maybe I have, I was told once that I looked like I was channeling her. In fact, I can’t think of any known times that I have actually channeled anyone. Cept for the time I channeled Jimmy Hendrix at a bonfire with too much tequila, or maybe the time that I channeled Michael Moore while buying a pair of Nike tennis shoes, or maybe even the time that I channeled Monica Lewinski at the Havana Shop. I don’t know for sure.
Um, at this point, I wouldn’t even ask. I am sensing the inherent venture of that last statement may not be a safe one. But fuck help yourself to it! I’m game for anything that might sprout up between the balding hairs of the gods of Suburbia. I might even assume that you bohemian bastids out there have a brain cell left with which to venture…if so men, hop on and give me what’s between your ears at the graffiti board. If you care not to share…you’re a pussy and only YOU have to live with THAT!
So, where am I going with this you ask? Good question. I’m still wondering that myself. I could be going in the direction of channeling…which I am not, or Mary Wellstone (whoever the hell she is) or Jimmy Hendrix, tequila, a bonfire, Monica Lewinski, Havanas and shops. But I’m not.
So get to it already you might be saying. I will, I will…just give me a second I am drying my nail polish. Okay, like I was saying…I wasn’t sure where I was going to go with this either. Almost dry.
I was thinking maybe we should talk about our periods…no? Well then, what about our cocks? Oh now that’s a never-ending subject, we could talk about those all day. But since I am female I tire of the eternal nub-rub and at times, believe it or not, I like to settle into a nice relaxing conversation about politics, religion (or the lack of it) inner-psychic connections, quantum physics/mechanics and philosophy. What? I hear you thinking, “but you’re nothing but a female. A doormat, ornament, slave, cook and sex object.” Oh, well excuse me I didn’t know I had THAT many talents. No wonder I hate men.
But THAT’S not the direction of this rant either. I was thinking about painting my toenails…what do you think? The um, “Cum Fuck Me Red” or the “Keep You Guessing Mauve” hmmm? I think I might prefer the “Secret Slave Shell.” (Remember, you can stick your thoughts about ALL of this shit at the graffiti message board.) So OUT WITH IT WOMAN! Damn! Don’t be so impatient, gosh you must be the kind of guy that goes straight for the dessert without sticking your tongue deeply into the main course. But no worries, I will pray for you…no matter how male you are, there is always hope.
So, does anyone know who Mary Wellstone is? I was thinking about looking it up…let me just make a note of that real fast while I am thinking about it…okay back…where were we? Oh yeah, Mary Wellstone. No wait, wasn’t it fucking? Isn’t that what we were talking about…yeah, yeah that’s right…that’s what you thought we were talking about. Fucking!
Oh don’t tell me…something you like to do…how did I know THAT TOO? Um, let me guess…cuz you’re male? Shhhhh, don’t tell anyone this…but um, I think it’s pretty awesome myself. Well, when done correctly. So lean in really, really closely I want to make sure you hear what I am about to say. DONE CORRECTLY does NOT mean that you got it in…getting it in means that penetration was successful, and it may or may not have been good for you, which it probably was, but did you ever bother to ask her? Let me channel this one so you don’t have to do any thinking for yourself just this second…OF COURSE YOU DIDN’T ASK HER! As long as you got off what difference does it make right? Yeah okay.
This may slap you upside the head with something you never heard of before but there is this thing and it’s called foreplay. No, it doesn’t mean you have to go out and buy a dozen roses (cheap bastard) light candles or get into the bathtub. It might mean carrying her dish to the sink when she’s done with her dinner (yeah okay…this is getting corny and sappy I know…so fucking deal with it okay?) It might also mean pulling the sheets back on the bed, or bringing her favorite snack home with you…just dumb, little thoughtful things. Okay, that is not exactly foreplay…since you can’t stick you’re tongue on it or put your dick in it…wait…you’re getting ahead of yourself again…sticking your dick in is “successful penetration” and it genericizes sex stat with me here okay?
Foreplay is the gentle coaxing of a woman’s already fragile, beaten, untrusting libido. Don’t tell me I’m wrong here…women are idiots and men are assholes and the combination gives birth to…gulp…frigidity. YES, I said the frigid word.
Well, in case you’re wondering I wasn’t going in that particular direction either…why the hell I just said that I have no idea. But, for the sake of volume I will leave it in there. Well now that my nail polish is dry…fingers and toes…I have dishes to do, laundry to wash, the toilet to clean and dinner to cook (no, not really). But, I wouldn’t mind doing those things for the right man. I have always believed that any woman could be butter in the hands of the right man. But all this crap…it’s just a thought.
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| I am this worn out, contemprorary version of Jesus' mother Mary. Five
children kind of make you feel that way. I say Jesus' but prolly shouldn't,
I am not even close to being Mary, and I have no little Jesuses. It was just
the first thing that came to mind. I am still clinging to eons-old notions
that some day I won't be a loser and large rocks will fill my hole. I have
been conditioned to look forward to the month of May...why? I can't tell you
that. I live in some far corner of the earth, and sometimes feel like I
might want to just jump off...and since it's California I know better.
Because in another 500,000,000 years it will all be underwater real estate
anyway. That thought comforts me and saves me the trouble. I am still
searching for who I am and what I do, so when I finally get it all figured
out, I could probably jot down an acceptable bio, but until then just stay
tuned
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